Tuesday, 26 January 2010

Anyone want a cat?

Cat available to good home. Or bad home. In fact, doesn’t even really need to be a home. If you’ve got a shed, an allotment or even a small mat, it’s yours.

It’s got black fur, a six-inch scar from a recent operation; a blue hooded collar to stop it licking said scar, and an ever-excavating anus.

I can’t move for this wretched animal following me, sticking it’s wet nose in mine, or scratching at my leg. Wherever I walk, it’s right in front of my feet. If I lie down, it’s on my chest, clawing away. Turning in circles, so I either have its nose or arse in my face. If I’m in the house it craps all day long. However if I’m not in the house, it manages to hold it in until the second I walk through the door, and then runs towards me, so that I can trip over it, before immediately racing to its litter tray and depositing a lovely, aromatic present for me. Then it waits for me to clear out its tray, looks at me like I’m the world’s biggest moron and walks back over nonchalantly to leave another deposit.

When I wake up it’s there, lying on top of me, purring, sounding like a Nissan Micra on a cold morning. The first thing I see are two staring, glaring eyes, and it’s wet nose that has no doubt recently been in the vicinity of it’s ever-active rectum.

Even as I’m typing this, it’s nearby. As my fingers tap out these words, it’s on the table next to me, walking over the keyboard so my heart felt plea turns into nothing more than a litany of Bolljkjjjvughfbydbygbsysghcpojjmcks!

This furnisher of feline faeces is available for immediate pick-up. Or I will deliver; anywhere in a two hundred mile radius. It answers to the name of “Oh, fuck off cat.” Or “Aaaaargggh, piss off you bloody nuisance.” Or Holly.

Unfortunately though, I suppose the children will notice if there is no smell of rancid cat shit to wake up to. They will undoubtedly miss the thing, and then there will be tears, and then recrimination, and then the guilt will set in, and then my wife will go out and get another one and then the whole sorry story will start again. So I guess I’m stuck with the bloody animal.

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