Train Etiquette

Some simple rules to follow if you get a train regularly:

•  If I’m waiting on the platform. I’m in this spot for a reason. Don’t stand in front of me; I may push you onto the track.
•  When you get on the train, and there is a queue of people behind you, don’t stop at the first seat, take your coat off, fold it neatly, place it carefully on the rack, get out your laptop, close the case and then put that on the rack, clean your glasses, take out a chewing gum, blow your nose, meditate or indeed any other time consuming activity. Move down the carriage and let the rest of us find a seat, before the crowds from the other end take them all.
• I don't pay several thousands of pounds a year so your Targus briefcase can enjoy a seat at my expense. It does not need to relax and take in the view, it is an inanimate object. Move it please.
• You don’t need both arm rests, leave one for me.
• If your ears are hurting slightly, I can hear your iPod. Turn it down.
• If you have a broadsheet newspaper, fold it over. Otherwise I will lean over and read it with you.
• If I have a newspaper, it’s folded, don’t lean over and read it with me.
• Take your finger out of your nose. We can all see you.

These are all very simple and easy to follow rules, and ultimately better for all of us. If there are any travellers who don’t wish to comply, please note I shall be adopting a name and shame policy.

For example:

Mr Marcus Theakston from seat 32 B last Wednesday. You not only used both armrests, but had your iPod turned up to 11. On top of that, you were listening to N-Dubz.

We may have to kill you.