The automated post.

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Fantastic. Please press one for something insightful. Two for something thought provoking. Press three to read something a little uncomfortable and four for something you would normally only consider reading in a doctor’s waiting room.

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Nearly there. Please press one if you’re male. Press two if you’re female and three if you’re neither.

Just a couple of simple options now. Okay, Ready? Press one to lose the will to live. Two to see the candle of your existence flicker precariously in the wind. Three to build up a rage inside that burns at your very soul and four to shout a very, very rude word very, very loudly.

Great, here’s four more simple options to get you to the piece you want; fast. If you could attack strangers for simply enjoying the freedom they relish by not being embroiled in the endless spiral of despair that is the automated service, press one. If you have already thrown objects across the room causing your property or loved ones damage, press two. If you are thinking of strolling into a public area, dropping to your knees and screaming at the top of your voice 'Why me? In the name of God, why me?' press three. If you wish to give up your soul to the devil and wreak havoc across the land, inviting the four horsemen of the apocalypse as harbingers of the last judgement to bring pestilence, war, famine and death to all around you, press four.

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