Monday, 31 May 2010

The automated post.

Hello, and thank you for visiting.

Right let’s get you started.

Please press one for a witty post. Two for a youtube clip. Three for a good old rant, and four for some mindless swearing.

Okay, lets get you the post you’re after. Please press one to read something. Two to watch something. Three to listen to something and four to link to something.

Thanks, that’s great. We have few more simple options for you. Please press one for a topical piece. Two for a political piece. Three for sarcastic piece and four for a near the knuckle piece.

Fantastic. Please press one for something insightful. Two for something thought provoking. Press three to read something a little uncomfortable and four for something you would normally only consider reading in a doctor’s waiting room.

Great. To help us get you what you want as quickly as possible, press one to peruse. Two to read in depth. Three to question what has been said and four to discuss.

Nearly there. Please press one if you’re male. Press two if you’re female and three if you’re neither.

Just a couple of simple options now. Okay, Ready? Press one to lose the will to live. Two to see the candle of your existence flicker precariously in the wind. Three to build up a rage inside that burns at your very soul and four to shout a very, very rude word very, very loudly.

Great, here’s four more simple options to get you to the piece you want; fast. If you could attack strangers for simply enjoying the freedom they relish by not being embroiled in the endless spiral of despair that is the automated service, press one. If you have already thrown objects across the room causing your property or loved ones damage, press two. If you are thinking of strolling into a public area, dropping to your knees and screaming at the top of your voice 'Why me? In the name of God, why me?' press three. If you wish to give up your soul to the devil and wreak havoc across the land, inviting the four horsemen of the apocalypse as harbingers of the last judgement to bring pestilence, war, famine and death to all around you, press four.

The post you are after is unavailable. Please close the window and try again later.


  1. Hilarious!!
    Which particular service were you after?
    I've had a very pleasant day playing with my can see the results on Facebook.

  2. Several hours lost trying to get Virgin media to fix our wi fi. It took four calls (which meant four lots of 'Press one for...' options). I was cut off twice and a promise of a call back never materialised. Imagine my mood by the end.

    I shall log onto facebook with an air of trepidation!

  3. God, I can so identify with that!!! I think it is always amazing that the British politeness prevails to the extent that we are always pretty nice (or just plain grateful) to the person who we finally get to speak to.

  4. It's really great when you ring up because your broadband isn't working and you have to listen to an infernal looped message telling you how you can get help on-line....