Sunday, 21 March 2010

The client

I have decided to change career. I am going to become a client.

The first thing I am going to do as a client is buy a dog. Not just any dog you understand, but a really expensive dog that requires lots of maintenance and money spending on it. Day after day I will pay to keep it fed, healthy and hearty. And not just an expensive dog, but a really intelligent breed of dog. One that has been bred and trained over many years to perform specific tasks really, really well. Once I have bought this dog, which is so clever and costs me so much money in upkeep, the first thing I am going to do is start barking myself. Whenever the dog feels the need to let itself be heard, ‘woof woof woof’ I shall go.

I shall do this because I’m the client now and I know best. I will be surrounded by people who spend all day telling me how clever I am, so therefore I will know best about absolutely everything there is to know about absolutely everything, because I know best. Because I’m a client now and therefore I’m bloody brilliant. Simple as that, get used to it.

If the dog decides to fetch my slippers, I shall tell him how to fetch my slippers; which route to take, how to hold them and the exact point by my feet to leave them. If it sits on command, I shall tell it where to sit and how to sit more comfortably. These animals can’t just rollover willy-nilly, oh no, there is a certain way to rollover, and I will take it upon myself to show it how to rollover. If I throw a stick for it to fetch, then I shall run and fetch it first, because nobody knows how to fetch a stick better than I do.

To get the best out of my new dog I shall undermine it at every opportunity, and show it how I can do everything better than he can, regardless of the consequences. This will be client led motivation at its best. My decisions and natural instincts will put it to shame, so I will never use the dog for the reasons I paid for it in the first place, because this would go against all that seems natural. 

This is how you get the best out of a dog. I know this to be true, because I have seen this approach in action so many times.

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