Sunday, 18 April 2010

Diddy Daytona

I have never felt the need to live near Santa Pod, or Daytona, the Hockenheimring or indeed any other racetrack. So I guess I should consider myself lucky that my distance from the world of racing is countered for by the plethora of boy racers who see fit to roar along the high street covering tiny distances at a time, at very nearly a great speed.

What makes these daredevil young racers ever so slightly laughable is the vehicles they have to perform in. Due to the outlandish insurance costs now available for anybody under the age of 87, these brave young men are forced to buy cheap slightly less than super minis, and then do with them what they can. This usually involves painting them a hideous colour (lime green seems to be a favourite), adorning them with ridiculous patterns and then equipping them with an exhaust bigger than most people’s television sets. This gives the sound of a jet fighter, with the unfortunate side effect of the performance of a shopping trolley. Then for the Pièce de résistance: The stereo. A ludicrous monster that they can turn up to roughly the same volume as the Live aid concert.

I was lucky enough to witness one the other day as he roared past me at 28mph, the four hooded occupants nodding away rhythmically to their song of choice. I was left somewhat bemused by the song itself, a mix of ‘Loving you is easy ‘cause you’re beautiful’ by Minnie Riperton and some kind of ragga drum and bass track. It was the aural equivalent of combining treacle and barbed wire. Not my cup of tea, but hey, each to their own.

In a world of order, peace and tranquility what every regional town needs is a courageous band of unintelligent boy racers to liven things up. The sight of their bobbing heads accompanied by the roar of the engine and thumping music is enough to stir the soul of even the most die-hard car hater. Without them life would simply be too quiet. Too pleasant. My only hope is that they don’t crash and burn in a horrifying accident, caught inside their mangled mini, surrounded by flames that match the ones painted on their doors. The banging on the window for help drowned out by a delightful techno ditty, as we stand by watching; mouthing the words ‘What? Sorry can’t hear you. What are you saying? You want some kelp, are you sure? Strange boy.’

This would clearly be a tragedy.


  1. The modification that amuses me is the huge rear spoiler. On performance cars this is there to catch the air and force the cars weight onto the driving wheels at the rear. Of course, these souped up minis almost universally have front wheel drive...

  2. I think you are talking a level of detail that is lost on these people. I think they genuinely believe that if you paint go faster stripes on your car, you will actually go faster.

  3. I, of course, drive a 2.5 litre mid-engined rear wheel drive car. So the question is, should I have a rear spoiler?

    On the back of my people carrier!

  4. I think a simple paint job would be sufficient.
    How about a lightning flash and the word KIRBZ?

  5. The thing with a people carrier: loads of space for those really stonking great big bass speakers.... I think you should definitely pimp your ride. I'll give Westwood a call...

  6. Can you really pimp a people carrier?
    I'm not sure Smooth FM through any size speakers carries any kind of credibility.

  7. I was with you until the mangled car bit!!