The world can be a terrible and dangerous place. There are so many different subjects to rally against, and it’s important for everyone to take their responsibility as a citizen of the world seriously and make a stand against the wrongs of humanity. For this heartfelt post I have decided not to comment on the perils of social injustice, or poverty, or corruption, or preventable disease or even the ever-spiralling descent of a generation into a world of crime and hopelessness. No, this post is about something else altogether. A little discussed and often over-looked subject; but one that needs bringing to the fore and talking about in an adult and constructive manner.
The second button. There, I’ve said it. The second button down on a man’s shirt. Not a suit shirt that you might wear with a tie. No, the more utilitarian casual shirt. The preserve of a gentleman’s wardrobe for many years.
The question I am asking is, what has happened to the second button down? It seems to have moved, but in the name of all that’s good and holy, why? Goddamit, why? It is now far too high, leaving a generation of men with the terrible conundrum of which buttons to leave undone and which to fasten. The top button, is there for nothing more than decoration. A mere Jason Orange in the world of fashion. No one fastens their top button, unless they are a serial killer or are a self employed IT technician. So that leaves the second button, but now it is too high, so if you only unfasten to there, you look like ‘serial killer lite’. Obviously this is no good, so the only answer is to unbutton to the outer reaches of decency with the third button. But now you are entering a whole new world, and it’s not a world for everyone. Now you are entering David Starsky world. If you unbutton to the third, you had better be damn sure you can carry it off. If you have the hairy chest and confidence of a 1970s detective from southern California then that’s all well and good, but if like me you don’t, you are left in a confusing no man’s land.
So what is the answer to this terrible problem? Do you take a chance, and try a little personality adjustment? Perhaps men up and down the country could try running along the beach very fast, or jumping across car bonnets, but there is an outside chance of looking faintly ridiculous. They could try the subtler approach of sitting with their feet on the desks, chomping away on doughnuts and winking at passing women, but I fear the ugly face of ridiculousness is still close at hand. What about sticking with the second button option and hoping that the serial killer look becomes ‘in vogue’? It’s an option, but not a good one.
The other possibility is that we rebel against the fashionistas, who are clearly having a laugh at our expense. We could set up our own shirt making franchise ‘Shirts for the ordinary man’. It might work, it could work. By God, let’s make it work. This is a call to arms (and body, neck, cuffs and collar) for a disenfranchised generation of men to take matters into their own hands and stand up and be counted. What may start as small band of brothers could grow into an army. An army can grow into a movement and through the powers of the collective spirit we can win. We can design a shirt with a correctly placed second button. A million man army marching down the streets of Britain with banners proudly proclaiming ‘I AM NOT DAVID STARSKY’ or ‘I AM NOT A SERIAL KILLER’. We can do it. We just need to believe.
Either that or we could just wear a T-Shirt.